I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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