I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
