It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
