Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
two words: eviction party
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize