you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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