He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
