I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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