forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
