I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
