The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
