Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
