My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
