I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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