Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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