I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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