If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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