I faked an abortion last night.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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