I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
