she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
