Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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