I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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