The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
