That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
