Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
