I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
