I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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