the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
