apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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