im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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