Her vagina should come with caution tape.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
