i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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