I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
