Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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