So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
