Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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