Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
