Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
