I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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