I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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