its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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