So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
