Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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