i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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