got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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