she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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