I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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