New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
