Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
