No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
