And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
