My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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