Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
