got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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