btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
a search helicopter?!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
