i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
